Death of a Fanfiction Writer
by Jhomeboy
Summary: A humorous interlude of Jhomeboy (me) rushing into the personal lives of Calvin and Hobbes characters, including one of my own. Includes a lightsaber duel in the end...kinda odd when you think about it...


Yippy-skippy the writings. Jhomeboy takes a close look at the lives of the characters of Calvin and Hobbes. There is a rather interesting ending of information that I am not at liberty to divulge (*cough* LIGHTSABERS. *cough*) 

Disclaimer: I do not own Calvin and Hobbes. I do own Chic, however. I only ask her a few questions, and although it helps, you don't have to have read "Then Fall Hobbes" to enjoy (or loathe) Chic. Her questions aren't too deep because she hasn't been introduced enough. 

Jhomeboy: Hi folks! Follow me as I go butting into the personal lives of Calvin and Hobbes characters! Let's go!

__

Jhomeboy runs off, clipboard in hand, and into Calvin's house. Rushes down the hall as Mom utters What the HELL? and up the stairs, to Calvin's room.

Calvin: Hey, who let you in-

Jhomeboy: Hey, I'm Jared, otherwise known as Jhomeboy. I'm here to ask a few questions you don't want to answer.

Calvin: Wha-?

Jhomeboy: Question one is about Hobbes. How long have you known him?

Calvin: Mom!

Jhomeboy: I'm afraid she can't come up here. See, I'm a fan fiction writer. I have the 'write' to be here. Get it? Right? Write? Fanfiction writer? It's funny. Anyhoo, God shines down on fan fiction writers, thus I can stay here as long as I want. Answer the question, please.

Calvin: (grumbling) Several years. Why?

Jhomeboy: No reason. Second question probes into _love._ Okay, how long had you had a crush on Susie Derkins?

Calvin: WHAT??

Jhomeboy: Now, now, all answered questions remain anonymous. 

Calvin: How does you surveying me become a fan fiction?

Jhomeboy: You'll see. 

Calvin: What's the website?

__

Jhomeboy suddenly remembers one story he has written on Calvin's love for Susie, and realizes that Calvin's threshold for anger is, well, short. 

Jhomeboy: Ummm…http://www.thissitedoesnotexist.com. Uh, yeah, that's it.

Calvin: '…doesnotexist.com.' Got it. Your gonna burn. 

Jhomeboy: Please, just answer the question.

Calvin: I don't have a crush on Susie!

__

Jhomeboy quickly attaches polygraph to Calvin.

Jhomeboy: Answer now.

Calvin: I don't have a crush on Susie

__

Polygraph beeps angrily.

Calvin: Alright, I have a crush on Susie!!! God. It's been for a week now…

__

Angry beep.

Calvin:…year…

__

Angry beep.

Calvin: (grumpily) two…two years. Nothing much, just kinda taking pictures of her and taping them to my wall…

__

Angry beep.

Calvin:…taping them to the bodies of Victoria's Secret catalog models

__

Angry beep.

Calvin: (guiltily) …Sear's catalog.

__

Happy ding_!_

Calvin: There, ya happy!

Jhomeboy: Very. Uh oh…my fan fiction sense is tingling.

__

Jhomeboy quickly jumps as Hobbes leaps under him and slams into the bed.

Hobbes: Sonuva-!

Jhomeboy: Hobbes! Just in time to answer some questions!

Hobbes: Whose this?

Calvin: I don't know. He just came in. He won't leave either. Has some sort of fan fiction credit.

Hobbes: Can I eat him?

Jhomeboy: Now, now, eat is such a smelly word. How about you say 'treat him to a nice four-star dinner.'?

Hobbes: Pleeaaase?

Calvin: Let's both get him.

Jhomeboy: B-but I have fan fiction credit! God shines down on fan fiction writers!

Calvin: Get him!

__

Jhomeboy puts hands in praying motion and looks up to Heavens. Suddenly enveloped in bright light. 

Jhomeboy: God? It's Jhomeboy.

__

Lightning strikes Calvin and Hobbes. 

Calvin: Oh God that hurts!

Jhomeboy: That's the point! Now will you answer some questions or not?

Hobbes: Fine, fine.

Jhomeboy: Okay. Hobbes, just how long have you befriended Calvin?

Hobbes: Oh, geeze, its been years.

Jhomeboy: Okaaay…next question. How long have you been plotting to rip his head off in a fit of rage and staple it to the maple tree out front as a warning to others?

Hobbes: Wha-

Jhomeboy: Take your time, but please answer honestly.

Hobbes: What are you talking about?

Jhomeboy: Oh, you know. Those plans you keep secretly hidden away somewhere I'm sure.

Calvin: I think it's time to leave.

__

Calvin and Hobbes pick up Jhomeboy and drag him to window.

Jhomeboy: But you two have only answered two questions each! I have more!

Calvin: Ask somebody who cares.

__

Jhomeboy screams as he is thrown from a window two stories up.

Jhomeboy: I'll just go talk to Susie.

__

Walks into Susie's house and into her room, mindlessly crushing her doll table and Mr. Bunn's latest friend.

Susie: Hey, you insensitive clod!

Jhomeboy: Susie Derkins, hi. Would you mind answering some questions for my fan fiction survey?

Susie: Well sure…I guess…

Jhomeboy: Great! First question. Who do you have the hots for?

Susie: Oh, Jake!

__

A young but handsome boy with blond dreadlocks walks past the window and seems to be glowing. 

Jhomeboy: Well, of course. He's amazingly handsome! But of course, he's going to want somebody like Nicole.

__

Breathtaking girl walks past window with shoulder-length chestnut hair and faded-denim eyes, also glowing.

Jhomeboy: In reality, your much better set off with somebody else, like, say Calvin….

Susie: Hey, are you the same guy who called me last week asking if I wanted to buy a Valentine for ' a certain, blonde-spiked kid who lives two doors down'? What are you trying to do, hook us up or something?

Jhomeboy: It would be so much material for me back at, uh, thissitedoesnotexist.com. Yeah. And I'm not talking about Fanfiction.Net

Susie: Well, nothing doing.

Jhomeboy: Fair enough. Second question. What do you think about Hobbes?

Susie: He's kinda cool if he didn't cling to Calvin like that.

Jhomeboy: I mean, like, if Calvin wasn't there and Jake was dead…

Susie: My God, your disgusting! He's a stuffed tiger. 

Jhomeboy: My bruise says something else.

__

Susie's window explodes from the inside as Jhomeboy is thrown out.

Jhomeboy: I'll come back.

__

To Jhomeboy's advantage, Moe comes ambling up the street.

Jhomeboy: Moe! Just who I was thinking of!

Moe: What?

Jhomeboy: Hi, Jhomeboy, freelance fan fiction writer, I'm taking a survey for new material for my fan fictions at an anonymous site on the Internet.

Moe: Indornet…is that like a band?

Jhomeboy: Never mind. Answer one question for me. What do you think of Calvin.

Moe: He will soon be so much nasty paste on the wall when I'm through with him.

Jhomeboy: Got it. Toodleoo-

__

Chic, one of Jhomeboy own creations, is sitting on the curb. Jhomeboy walks over to her and begins to interview quickly.

Jhomeboy: So, what do you think of Calvin?

Chic: Where did you come from, my little friend?

Jhomeboy: I'm a freelance fan fiction writer and I'm asking a survey for new material. So, what do you think of Calvin?

Chic: I like him. He would be mine if I could just pry that other tiger's cold hands off of him.

Jhomeboy: Hobbes?

Chic: Yes, 'Hobbes.' I am going to dominate his domain. He'll see. 

Jhomeboy: Okay then…what do you think of Susie.

Chic: I wouldn't know. You haven't written my meeting her yet.

Jhomeboy: How did you know it was me?

Chic: C'mon. I can read you like a book, as you did to me. 

Jhomeboy: Fair enough. Thanks for answering my questions and I will have to write chapter four to your story then. 

Chic: Right

Jhomeboy idles up the street, looking for other characters to interview. 

Calvin: First Scout Calvin with proprietary information for President Hobbes. The enemy has been sighted in the street sir.

Hobbes: Susie?

Calvin: No sir, the fan fiction writer.

Hobbes: (pissed) Sometimes they just don't learn. Let's roll!

__

Jhomeboy walks down center of car-less road. Suddenly, twenty feet ahead of him appears Calvin. 

Calvin: Hello, pardnar. 

__

Suddenly, as if on cue, Western music begins to roll. Jhomeboy's eyes narrow, ditto to Calvin. 

Calvin: Draw!

__

Both draw their weapon: a light saber.

Calvin: Ah, you have chosen the weapon of a Jedi. 

Jhomeboy: Yes. Where's Hobbes?

__

Hobbes appears from behind with a green light saber. Jhomeboy turns and deflects as Calvin charges. Jhomeboy deflects blows coming from left and right. 

Hobbes: You cannot win, writer. It's time you learned to go home. 

Jhomeboy: I only came to write.

__

Calvin brings saber down but is deflected. Jhomeboy swings his light saber and cuts Calvin at the armpit, only getting shirt however.

Calvin: My shirt! You will pay, writer!

__

Calvin jumps like a Jedi twenty feet over a car, flipping and landing in front of Jhomeboy. He quickly is reflected as Jhomeboy leaps backwards and onto a house roof. 

Calvin and Hobbes come after Jhomeboy on roof . Jhomeboy deflects Hobbes and shoves him off of roof. Hobbes lands lightly and watches as his master and the sith go to work.

Calvin: You know what I'm gonna do after I kill you? I'm gonna dominate you website!

Jhomeboy: It doesn't exist!

__

Jhomeboy attacks but gets deflected. Hobbes is still on ground, watching, then reaches for his saber and prepares to attack.

Calvin leaps onto gutter edge to avoid a cutting attack. Gutter, not being able to support the weight, snaps, leaving Calvin hanging by an edge over a rose bush.

Jhomeboy walks over to the gutter where Calvin's light saber lies. With a nudge of his foot, the light saber disappears over the edge.

Jhomeboy: You should have just let me write. 

__

Before Jhomeboy can quickly cut down the gutter and sending Calvin to a sharp landing, Hobbes leaps onto the roof and begins to engage Jhomeboy in a fight.

Jhomeboy: Curses! Foiled again!

__

Jhomeboy deflects a blow and does a 360 turn and as he goes to deflect Hobbes blade, he never notices Calvin lift himself up with the Force, flip, force his light saber into his hand, and ignite it with the handle jabbing into his back. 

Hobbes steps back as the blade, ignited, juts through Jhomeboy's stomach.

Jhomeboy: (grunts) Ugggh…I just wanted to write.

__

Jhomeboy falls backwards and over the side and into the rose bushes. 

Hobbes: Well, it would appear the evil has ridden itself from our neighborhood for at least another extended period of time. What say we go read some Captain Napalm?

Calvin: Sounds good to me.

__

Jhomeboy, in a last fit of strength, rises out of the thorn bushes with the Force and onto the roof and cuts across Hobbes' chest. He grunts and falls onto the shingles as Calvin turns and quickly halves Jhomeboy. 

Jhomeboy liquefies into what appears to be melted silver. Suddenly, it reforms into the loose shape of a human. 

Jhomeboy: (monotonous tone from T2: Judgment Day) I will be back. You cannot destroy a fan fiction writer. 

__

And he is gone. 

Calvin rushes to his young Padawan's side.

Hobbes: M-m-master, you must go and defeat the Sith Master in my honor.

Calvin: Hobbes, we aren't doing the Episode I spoof anymore.

Hobbes: Oh…well, go to his website and make fun of him.

Calvin: How can I? He's dead. Gone forever.

Hobbes: Unless he was right. Unless fan fiction writers can last forever.

Calvin: I don't ever want to think about that. Let's just go and fix up your chest.

Hobbes: Okay. 

__

Calvin supports Hobbes up and they get back into the house, and lived happily ever after for a month, when another fan fiction writer approaches them with a survey…

The End?

(a/n Hopefully not. If I get enough hits, I'll write a sequel or something. Sorry about elongating the saber scene. I just wanted to spoof Episode I so much!)


End file.
